To Phrase it Correctly

"If you can do anything else..."

2012-01-23T11:40:00.000-08:00

“…then do that.”Wise words from some wise pastors. Throughout the week I’ve been asking Pastor’s that I know, ” Why would one desire to be a pastor? I’m looking at this from the outside and have seen your guys faith and trust in God. And I don’t understand how that is possible, but I still ask, why would one want to be a pastor? What is it about being called to this ministry that makes you say, no turning back?”And I’ve been getting the same stories I know to be true. You are called for this ministry, because the love of Christ compels you, ect, ect. One Pastor from the Philippines even messaged me this:”The Passion for the Soul-lost, the Compelling Love of the Savior, The Personal Conviction of your heart, The inside Peace of your soul, The Direction and the Influence of The Holy Spirit, The JOy of being involved in the ministries/ services/activities of the church, the wise advices/ witnesses from other christians in your church, the desire to know God more deeply in a very intimate process, The desire to please/glorify God by eschewing every form of evil and a lot more factors to be considered as far as the calling is concerned. ”And then two pastors on Sunday when I asked them the same question answered with the above:“If you can do anything else, then do that.”I don’t want to be a pastor, but can I not just desire to study like one? I want to grow deeply in love with the Lord. I want to desire what He desires and hate what He hates (namely sin). So what’s the difference then between a believer who truly loves the Lord and one who is called to the ministry?It is just that calling? Lord, am I battling against You? Why would you call me? Why? I know from all my studies and from sermons I hear that if one is called there is not much he can do except receive it with joy. To deny that call is like running away from you, and of course we can’t do that, now can we? Where can we go from your Spirit? I this is your will for me, grant me a “peace that surpasses all understanding” because right now I’m scared. Sure 1 Timothy 3:1 reads, “ It is a trustworthy statement: if any man aspires to the office of overseer, it is a fine work he desires to do.”But…James 3:1 says, “Let not many of you become teachers, my brethren, knowing that as such we will incur a stricter judgment.”I am hard pressed on what to do Lord. So I can do nothing else except to say, “Thy will be done.”

Open Doors

2012-01-19T06:32:00.000-08:00

A lot’s happen for me in the past couple of days. If you don’t mind reading, well… here goes:Last Friday while attending a BTM Cafe Night I had a strong desire to share the Gospel. That night there were a couple of visitors one of them was named JM, a friend of a friend. Long story short, after the event I got to talking with him. After about 10 mins of sharing to him the Good News, He gave His life to Christ. Sunday came, I had originally planned to hangout with some of the Garden Grove PCC/UCC people after their service. Yet for some reason, those plans fell through. But I love how when man’s plans fail, God’s plan prevail. I had forgotten (sad to say) that it was my father’s 54th birthday (geez he’s like double my age so there’s some wisdom there). While at my dad’s house I hungout with my younger cousin’ on my step mom’s side and talked to her about her being a Seventh Day Adventist. I shared to her various scripture about worshiping God and then other cousins came. So while I had a “captive audience” I shared to them my poetry, my testimony, and then I shared to them the Gospel. My cousin who was the Seventh Day? She gave her life to Christ.Funny thing too, one of my cousin’s boyfriends, John said to me, “You should be a pastor” and I told him, “I’m not called to be a pastor, maybe just a POETIC PREACHER.”Monday comes. Originally I was to meet with a brother in the Lord who knew how to put background music to some poetry of mines. Those plans fell though, but I was able latter on in the day to go with him to his school, Calvary Chapel Costa Mesa, to attend their Monday night bible studies. The study was on Matthew 23 about the seven woes to the Scribes and Pharisees. Long story short, what I got from was that it was time to be serious with God, time to stop being a hypocrite and start being a Christian in action.Later that night I hung out with my friend and his school mates. We talked about the school and how they enjoyed it, one of them even said, “you should seriously consider going to school. You’ll never be the same.”And so… wednesday morning I made the decision. I’m going to enroll in Biola and double major in Biblical Studies and Music Ministry. Why? Well, why not? I just want to know God more deeply than ever before. As I said last week during bible study, “it’s high time we all get serious. I’m done playing defense, it’s time we got on offense.”This time, I’m for real. No turning back.Interesting side note, so there were two girls I was into (yes I know it seems like I’m a player… I’m trying to learn not to do that). Long story short God allowed one to have a boyfriend and the other just wanted to be my friend. Both are Christian women so it’s all good. I have no problems with that. What I took out from this was God telling me “do I love Him more than this world’s got to offer.” And I said I do. I want Him more than anything, So he said follow me and become a fisher of men. I sure to feel like Apostle Peter right now, so impulsive, so rash. But just like Apostle Peter, I will echo his words from Acts 4:20, “for we cannot stop speaking about what we have seen and heard.”

"When I was a child..."

2012-01-09T11:38:00.001-08:00

“…I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things.” (1 Cor 13:11)

The context of the verse is on Spiritual Gift and love. Paul was speaking on the attitude of Christians in Corinth, that they ought to act as mature Christians. In the same manner that even applies to life.

I have been thinking about this in many different aspect of my own life. I’m currently 26, single and is the “main bread winner” and only male sibling in a household of 3 women (a mom and two younger sisters… and that’s a topic in an of itself, yikes!).

I was just having a great conversation with a cousin of mines and as we talked I mentioned how at my age and status, I can do SO MUCH and here is a partial list of things like I’d to accomplish this year, God willing that is:

Publish my poetry/make an EP of poems
Save up at least 1,000 dollars by year end
Become a home owner
Become the man of a woman’s dreams/A man after God’s own heart
I use to think things like the first one were too lofty a goal, but not anymore. I’ve been short changing myself. By the grace of God he’s given me a gift to write poetry and to express things in a way others cannot. And I am so grateful for it all. So why wouldn’t I try to become published or make a cd of my poetry? It is most definitely possible in this day and age.

To save up 1,000… December alone showed me how much I frivolously spend my money. Too much of it is in video games (when I was a child), but now the only time I play is if there are others who play with me or if I play Kinect Games (i.e. Dance Central. And trust me—I can and WILL smash you with my dance moves LOL) I don’t mean to brag but I most definitely make much more than my mother and my middle sister (well… for now… when my sister moves she’ll be BALLIN’ and I’ll speak of that soon). But right now I have less than 10 bucks in my checkin and savings. My credit card is maxed out.

This comes to my 3rd and 4th accomplishment: Becoming a home owner and becoming a man of a woman’s dreams/A man after God’s own heart. If I can’t even save money then how can I even think of paying a mortgage? I have a hard enough time paying for rent! Why? Cause I foolishly spend. I mean, I have food in the fridge but I rather go out to eat. I know I don’t need something, I just want it (i.e. video games haha) and so I buy it.

I have learned that one of the biggest reasons why couples divorce (even in the Christian household) is financial reasons. It’s been said that women have the need to feel secure and men have the need to be a provider. I honestly believe that need is God created. So in that case, if I cannot even provide for my current family (my mom and sisters) then how much more difficulty will I have in my own family, if the Lord wills?

My personal prayer is that I be a man after God’s heart and I believe only then will God allow me to become a man of a woman’s dreams. I mean hey, let’s be real, I’m totally lacking the in sexiness factor, but who cares? Looks fade in the end, but the spirit in eternal. Plus, I would hope that the woman whom God brings into my life would know that “beauty is only skin deep.”

Lord, this is my prayer to you. That Your will alone be done in my life. That it is YOU who moves my hand and head and heart. The bible is clear, “Many plans are in a man’s heart, But the counsel of the LORD will stand” and also “The mind of man plans his way, But the LORD directs his steps.”

Direct my steps O Lord. May I maximize every day that you give me knowing that my “life is like a vapor.” I give this all to you God. I have never been more determined in all my life than now to give it ALL TO YOU. I want and desire the best and that means… YOUR WILL ALONE. Grow me to be the man I ought to be, for my family, my future family and even your church.

And I won’t shy away God, yes Lord, I desire companionship. But help me to be content in my current status as single for your word says that You me “to be free from concern. One who is unmarried is concerned about the things of the Lord, how he may please the Lord;”

Free me from this concern Lord until you see fit to bring that woman “who fears the Lord and is to be praised” into my life.

This is my prayer to you God. May Your will, be done. In Christ name, Amen.

Refined (Original Poem)

2012-01-08T22:50:00.000-08:00

Isaiah 48:10-11

10 “Behold, I have refined you, but not as silver;
I have tested you in the furnace of affliction.
11 “For My own sake, for My own sake, I will act;
For how can My name be profaned?
And My glory I will not give to another.

2011-12-31T18:10:00.000-08:00

If you take it slow, darlin’ so will I. Just remind me you’re still there, cause I will. God has us in the palm of His mighty right hand. If our wills are aligned to His then what should we worry about, love? I’m praying for you. FOR… you.

”I’ll love you in slow motion,
Take my time,
Take away the pressure on my mind
Really get to know HIM
But rewind
Wanna love you in slow motion

With God’s help I KNOW I CAN”

Prayer of 2011

2011-12-31T05:20:00.000-08:00

God, thank you for this year. Thank you for the joys and the sorrows. Thank you for allowing me to experience 4 months away from your love and fellowship. It was the most heart wrenching experience I have yet to have in my 26 years of life on this earth. As the song says, "I give you my heart, I give you my soul, I live for you alone."

God, let that truly be my delight as I enter into the new year. You are my true joy. Without you, I am nothing. With you, I am everything. In you, I am complete! Let's be honest God, so many times have I been searching for "love" not realizing I have the best love already, Yours.

Use me God the way you see fit. May my broken life be a testimony of your goodness, faithfulness, awesomeness, loveliness. You are the Refiner of this broken man. You are the Potter, I am the clay. Mold me to Your liking and help me to submit to your plans for me. I let go the reins of this called life and I give it to you. May I never move unless you say.

And God, I do pray for my life partner, my soul mate, if there even is one. Teach her to be patience (which just means bring those times that will test said patience). Teach her to love you fully before she can ever love others (or me) truly. Teach her to trust in Your Divine Providence.

I have my idea of who I'd like her to be, but that's just who I think it is. If she is the one, align our wills to Yours God. And if those wills come together then thank you. If not.... then thank you even. Use her mightily where she is, and where she is going. Help her to focus on you while she's away. When shes sad, bring to her people that will lift her spirits and encourage her to "press on towards the goal of the upward call in Christ Jesus." Control her to give her utmost for you God, her best always. May your will be always done in her life and if she strays (for I know we do) gently bring her back.

All that I do echo for myself God, this new year, control me to be a man of great faith and integrity. To be sold out to you fully. To be a catalyst for change in a dying world. Grant me victory in every situation and turn those situations for a way to minister to the lost and lonely people of this world. Give me a thirst and an ache for the lost sheep, both outside and inside the church. Grant me a pastors heart, but not my will, but yours be done.

And use this gift of poetry you've given me as an outlet for that all. I see open doors but unless those doors are from you, may I never enter. Give me discernment to sift out what's what. And..... and.... i don't know what else to say God. Prepare me now for whatever will happen this coming year. I'm ready God. Let's go together!

Thank you for this outpouring in my heart. It is truly all from you. I pray it all in Jesus name, Amen.

So, Do You? (Original Poem)

2011-12-29T17:41:00.000-08:00

Ever have a love you couldn't tell?

Divorce Is Not an Option (original poem)

2011-12-24T16:46:00.000-08:00

2011-12-24T04:54:00.000-08:00

God, let me not play these scenario games. Fill this void I have with a fullness of You. With a love of You. With Your peace. Take away these stupid thoughts about future dealings because I don’t know what else to do with them. Let me know if I should pursue or not. Let me know if this is the one or not. Because I FEEL like it could be. But I really want to KNOW that it is. I see the qualities I’ve been praying for: A God lover, artistic, enjoys a good meal, but I just don’t know, God. Those things could be applied to anyone. You know what I need, someone who can encourage and build up, someone who can compliment me holistically, body, mind, and soul.

It’s late God, and I just want to sleep. Please God, let me sleep tonight. I really need it.

Thank you, Amen.

[EDIT]

Hebrews 12:1-3 (NASB)

1 Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, 2 [a]fixing our eyes on Jesus, the [b]author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

3 For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary [c]and lose heart.

To The Gamer Girl at Gamestop (original poem)

2011-12-14T13:00:00.000-08:00

Dedicated to that cute sales associate at Gamestop. Shame, she will never hear of this poem. Alas, to be a gamer nerd!

Letter to My Sixteen Year Old Self (Original Poem)

2011-12-12T02:09:00.000-08:00

Just a poetic reminder of what will one day be. Hope you enjoy! Rate, Comment, Subscribe!

Open Letter to Mr. Pharisee (original Poem)

2011-12-04T04:59:00.000-08:00

Hi my Name is (original poem)

2011-12-03T12:46:00.001-08:00

Hi my name is Jude. And I’m a poet. I’m also a custodian (that’s janitor for all you lay people). I vacuum carpets, scrub toilets and clean up vomit for a living. Not the most glamorous life style, but it pays the bills and puts a roof over my head, food in my belly and a nice warm bed. Better than most I would say.

But here’s the problem some have noticed and see it as their duty, nay… their right. To correct me.

“Jude,
You over think,
You’re insecure,
And you’re too emotional.”

In lay man’s terms I must be a woman.
Because women are into all things cutesy… “like poetry.”

My response: Listen here, meat head.

I might not be a 6’ 1” 200 lbs of muscular sexiness, I might not be able to grow such a magnificent, burly man bush, I might not be able to break ankles like Jordan, or bust techno-hopic, electric bugaloo, tutting, strutting, ka dunk a dunk dance steps, or even enjoy the normal man games like football or 2k11.

I’m not you and I’m you… I’m me!

5’ 5” 200 and some odd lbs of Jello-y goodness who’s able to grow at least some kind of furry chinchilla. I might not be able to juke moves and throw down J’s but I play a mean game of ping pong. Dance steps? I get my rhythm from DDR and Kinect.

Aye-e-aye-e-aye I’m a little butter fly! I said it, and what?! I enjoy the theater arts, drinking overpriced Oolong tea and musical like “the hills are alive.. with the sound of music…”

But still you resist. Men aren’t suppose too be so emotional. You’re too emotional.

Well what can I do?

Because for years I’ve been asking God to change me, make me new. Take me back to a time before I learned of this depression, take away these suicidal tendencies, this madness, this anger, this bitterness, take it all away from me. Make me a better son, a better brother, a better man. And you know how God answered me?

Silence.

And it damn near killed me. But what doesn’t kill you makes you tough as diamonds. I’ve gone through so much prolific drama you can call it “Boys over Flowers: Part 2.”

But I thank God that I’m not like you…or you or you or especially you cause then I’d probably go insane

But see, I’m me.

A man who vent’s his heart out through poetry. Through spoken rhyme, words and rhythm. That flow and ignite from the depths of my being, my very soul, and I let the Holy Spirit Roll. I’m fascinating and I know it. Neurotic and I show it… through. These. Words.

I’m unique, uncommon, I’m different, diverse, I’m wonderfully and fearfully fashioned in God owns image and here the trippy part… so are you.

Therefore I raise my glass to you. You bunch of freaks and I mean that in the nicest of ways.

So please, before you notice the speck in my eye and tell me how insecure, loud mouthed, emotional, over reactor I am, understand…

That I know this and I don’t intend to change because

I have come to terms with who I am and who I am in Christ.
And it has been a wonderfully amazing, wild ride.

2011-11-28T01:47:00.001-08:00

I wish I had a girl who enjoys Korean Drama's as much as I do...

#WishfulThinking

Without Forgiveness

2011-11-07T11:52:00.000-08:00

Kinectic Affect - “Without Forgiveness”

“You cannot deny the human feeling that follows conflict. No matter what it may be. It cannot be ignored. it should not be ignored because it is real and honest and too personal to be called wrong…

…so many people think they find forgiveness when all they do… is forget.”

Terms to remember

2011-11-01T01:00:00.001-07:00

1) GAF
2) DGAF
3) Table
4) Shelf

In Between the Lines

2011-10-17T23:05:00.001-07:00

Facebook has turned us into disconnected fools
So much so that when we see each other we sound out like tools
“Hey how you doing?”
“Im alright.”
Yeah I seen your news feed.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah…”

And cue the awkward silence…

I mean whatever happened goin’ outside takin a breath of fresh air?
Instead of staring at a computer sceen in your raggedy desk chair?

“I dont care I got more friends than you do.”
But there aint NO WAY you know 1,253 friends
thats like being 45 collecting pokemon cards, the means dont justify the ends…

And plus… thats just friggin awkward!

So heres a shoutout to all the true friends
the ones who really know
that you might say “im fine” online
But right now your life just blows

And right now all you need is a shoulder to cry on
Maybe a hug
Or most definately an ear to chew
If thats the kind of friend you are

Then this goes out to you.

You see through all the bull crap
And your words can cut through all the fat
Sometimes you lay that verbal smackdown to remind a homie where hes at
And other times all you need to say is, “bro, stop being stupid.”

And at once, things become crystal clear
No room for judgements no room for fear
All you can do is be real
Got a friend right there whose words make you heal
Better than 1253 people who can only “like” your statuses

And im not tryin to put you on blast if you have that many… and if you honestly do, thats fine

But answer me this, when was the last time 1253 friends, read in between the lines?

Oraia Speaks - Dead Breathe

2011-10-17T08:53:00.000-07:00

Reflections on Psalm 1 by John Piper, and the Importance of Finishing Well - Blog - Eternal Perspective Ministries

2011-10-17T03:32:00.000-07:00

Reflections on Psalm 1 by John Piper, and the Importance of Finishing Well - Blog - Eternal Perspective Ministries

Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus, The song and the story

2011-09-07T22:31:00.001-07:00

England born Helen H. Lemmel (1863-1961) lived most of her life in America. She was a gifted concert soloist, a music teacher at the Moody Bible Institute, and music critic for the Seattle Post. She also worked as director of a woman's choral group that was a regular part of the Billy Sunday evangelical meetings. Helen wrote the words and music of Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus in 1922, to be sung at those meetings.The inspiration for Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus, which Helen entitled The Heavenly Vision, came from the writings of author and artist Lilias Trotter (1853-1928).Lilias Trotter was a brilliant artist whose talent opened the doors to wealth and influence. Her other love was missions. After struggling in prayer for two years, Trotter came to the conclusion that she must lay down her love of art in order to fix her eyes solely on Jesus, and on His calling to the mission field. She subsequently served for more than 38 years as a missionary to Muslims of Algeria. She also authored several books and tracts. The following is an excerpt from her tract, Which Passion Will Prevail?"Never has it been so easy to live in half a dozen harmless worlds at once -- art, music, social science, games, motoring, the following of some profession, and so on. And between them we run the risk of drifting about, the good hiding the best." It is easy to find out whether our lives are focused, and if so, where the focus lies. Where do our thoughts settle when consciousness comes back in the morning? Where do they swing back when the pressure is off during the day? Dare to have it out with God, and ask Him to show you whether or not all is focused on Christ and His Glory. Turn your soul's vision to Jesus, and look and look at Him, and a strange dimness will come over all that is apart from Him."- Lilias Trotter Turn Your Eyes Upon JesusRefrain:Turn your eyes upon Jesus,Look full in His wonderful face,And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,In the light of His glory and grace.. O soul, are you weary and troubled?No light in the darkness you see?There's a light for a look at the Savior,And life more abundant and free!RefrainThrough death into life everlastingHe passed, and we follow Him there;Over us sin no more hath dominionFor more than conquerors we are!RefrainHis Word shall not fail you, He promised;Believe Him, and all will be well:Then go to a world that is dying,His perfect salvation to tell!Refrain“Let us fix our eyes on Jesus.” (Hebrews 12:2)

Please Hear What I'm Not Saying

2011-09-03T01:39:00.001-07:00

Don't be fooled by me.Don't be fooled by the face I wear.For I wear a mask, a thousand masks,masks that I am afraid to take off,and none of them is me.Pretending is an art that's second nature with me,but don't be fooled.For God's sake don't be fooled.I give the impression that I am secure,that all is sunny and unruffled with me,within as well as without,that confidence is my name and coolness my game,that the water's calm and I'm in command,and that I need no one.But don't believe me.My surface may seem smooth, but my surface is my mask,ever-varying and ever-concealing.Beneath lies no complacence.Beneath lies confusion and fear and aloneness.But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it.I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear being exposed.That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,a nonchalant sophisticated facade,to help me pretend,to shield me from the glance that knows.But such a glance is precisely my salvation.My only hope and I know it.That is, if it's followed by acceptance,if it's followed by love.It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself,from my own self-built prison walls,from the barriers I so painstakingly erect.It's the only thing that will assure me of what I can't assure myself,that I'm really worth something.But, I don't tell you this. I don't dare. I am afraid to.I am afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance,will not be followed by love.I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh,and your laugh would kill me.I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing, that I'm just no good,and that you will see this and reject me.So I play my game, my desperate pretending game,with a facade of assurance withoutand a trembling child within.So begins the glittering but empty parade of masks,and my life becomes a front.I idly chatter to you in the suave tones of surface talk.I tell you everything that's really nothing,and nothing of what's everything,of what's crying within me.So when I am going through my routine,do not be fooled by what I'm saying.Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying,what I'd like to be able to say,what for survival I need to say,but what I can't say.I don't like to hide.I don't like to play superficial phony games.I want to stop playing them.I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me,but you've got to help me.You've got to hold out your handeven when that's the last thing I seem to want.Only you can wipe away from my eyes thatblank stare of the breathing dead.Only you can call me into aliveness.Each time you're kind and gentle and encouraging,each time you try to understand because you really care,my heart begins to grow wings,very small wings,very feeble wings,but wings!With your power to touch me into feelingyou can breathe life into me.I want you to know that.I want you to know how important you are to me,how you can be a creator - a honest-to-God creator -of the person that is meif you choose to.You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble,you alone can remove my mask,you alone can release me from my shadow world of panicand uncertainty, from my lonely prison,if you choose to.Please choose to. Do not pass me by.It will not be easy for you.A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.The nearer you approach to me,the blinder I may strike back.It's irrational, but despite what the books say about man,often I am irrational.I fight against the very thing that I cry out for.But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls,and in this lies my hope.Please try to beat down those wallswith firm handsbut with gentle handsfor a child is very sensitive.Who am I, you may wonder?I am someone you know very well.For I am every man you meetand I am every woman you meet.Charles C. Finn.

How to say marry me, geek style!

2011-08-24T21:19:00.000-07:00

I'm a sucker and a nerd for these sort things. Btw, she said yes to Him!

JesusWalk Calling

2011-07-08T15:22:00.000-07:00

It was amazing! To see a bunch of youth and college aged peeps so on fire for God just blesses my heart! And to be reassured by God that I’m doin’ the right thing is even better.

Last night after I did my spoken word piece I pondered if this could be reality. And by this I mean going big for the Lord with this spoken word poetry.

I remember years ago it was only an after thought “Me? Write poetry? That’s for girls!” Then it went, “publish my poems? Yeah, right!” After that it was, “Post them online? No one would watch it!”

After years of saying that now my thought are thus, “I wonder how it would be to put BGM to my poems? What would be the title of that first cd? How am I gonna get funds for this sort of project?”

I have so much fun last night just speaking Biblical Truth through spoken word poetry! And all I can say to God is thank you for what you’ve called me to do! I’m excited God that you would even be mindful of me. Lord, I give you back my gifts and abillities, use me as you see fit! For your glory and honor! What ever doors you open, may I step through and what ever doors you close, you close. Abba Father, I love you so much that it brings me to tears. Find me faithful. Find me wholly and completely yours. In Christ name, Amen.

Swag (Original Poem)

2011-07-04T06:27:00.001-07:00

I don’t sweat the swag cause I rather divert swag to Jesus
Cause it’s a joy to please Him instead of pleasin’ us yes I point to the God man Jesus

So in all things I might decrease into nothin’ cause I ain’t nothin’ at all
Nothing special nothing neat
But only cause I’m in Him does he make this life complete, sweet, like honey drippin of the comb

May He ever increase May He gain all the glory
Who cares about my life its all about His story

The Princess (Original Poem)

2011-07-01T17:06:00.001-07:00

Its the sadness in her eyes

Although to her King, it’s not a surprise
Cause see, He knows her quite well
Enough to give His life for her,
Die for her,
So she won’t go to hell

And sometimes she understands this, and other times, well, it’s tough.

More or less difficult, a bumpy ride
Cause behind that fair skin,
Soft lips,
And well-formed hips
Is a little girl cryin’ inside

Cause the truth, she was a daughter of another king one whom forsook his fertile land and wedding ring

And now she’s a prison princess posted at the window waiting for her wedded prince

And since that time... she’s still waiting

But not for long.
Cause along comes a prince of gentlemanly stature, debonair and you know he cares because he cares about the Kings subjects and all the Kings men he was a prince who would be put back together again

And best of all, he knows who her King of Kings is as well, and it is this that pushes him into the battle fields of broken hearts and lies, bringing the balm
And he has been asking Him for her hand to woo her to the motherland a land flowing with milk and honey.

So, forget the money, cause riches fade and sunflowers and fine linens do too.
But the prince vows that his love for her
would be as his love for Him too...

Poetry Like Love (Original Poem)

2011-06-30T05:29:00.001-07:00

Poetry like love making requires total finesse
Cause see only the best moves are allowed and
Thinking out loud between shakes and soft tones rustled bedsheets and fine linen wed beats

rhythm and rhyme our hearts were design to be one. A one union, a one accord that we know each other as we know the good Lord so…

My love, how my desire is for you. To be satisfied in you. To be complete in you. And because of Him who forsaw this holy union before time and time began just like how he made man from the dust of the earth and woman from mans rib, darling he made us, for each other.

You, apart from God first that is, are my desire.

So between the fine linens and in em we shall swim them. Doing breast strokes to back strokes in the midst of a sea of contorting bodies as well lie completely still… or hunger for each other ravage ourselves as fighting sea otters slap happy the waves of the sea or peacefully like the smooth rivers in the mountain floor

More… is definately better. And I now have you more and am satisfied and filled, completely thrilled and one in You.

[Note to Self: Woke up thinking about my future wife. Lord knows who she is. This poem sounds a lot like Song of Songs]

If this is heavenly...

2011-06-16T09:00:00.000-07:00

I wonder what heaven would be like? Good morning, Lord.

Love is in the Soul

2011-06-15T08:41:00.000-07:00

I have noticed as of late many of my friends and family dwelling on thoughts of love and relationships. I suppose it makes sense being summer and all.

"Summer lovin' having some fun."

Why lie, I've thought those thoughts too lately. And I ain't to naive to read between lies of blogs and FB post, a lot of people are lonely, hurt, yearning to have some kind of companionship, some kind of experience of the heart.

Funny thing is, (or maybe sad depending on how you look at it) these are all Christians I'm referring too. Why trade the infinite for the finite? Why love the gift more than the Giver? The delivery than the Deliverer?

Maybe the love of God hasn't completely consumed us yet, maybe it isn't real to us, maybe we're so focused on the things of the earth that the way of heaven is just an afterthought?

I can't speak for anybody, but I can speak for myself to which I quote both Scriptures of God and one of my favorite authors, Elizabeth Elliot:

"Now there is great gain in godliness with contentment, for we brought nothing into the world, and we cannot take anything out of the world. But if we have food and clothing, with these we will be content." (1 Timothy 6:6-8)

"Delight yourselves in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." (Psalm 37:4)

"But the things that we feel most deeply we ought to learn to be silent about, at least until we have talked them over thoroughly with God." (Elizabeth Elliot, Passion and Purity)

I don't know when my future wife will come nor IF she will come. But for now, as the old hymn sang, "I am His and He is mine."

How to be dead (Reblogged)

2011-06-11T07:43:00.001-07:00

Drix said it best when he said:

I need to tone it down. (This isn’t in regards to one specific thing.) Also, I need to tone it up (?) in other aspects. But unfortunately, it seems sometimes that I’m always about the realization and not the application. (Even that last sentence is a realization. Ugh.)

EDIT: Psalm 139:23-24 Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me and know my anxious thoughts; And see if there be any hurtful way in me, And lead me in the everlasting way.

For The First Time...

2011-06-10T08:20:00.000-07:00

"We just now got the feeling that we're needed, for the first time..."

Me, Lord? Single?

2011-06-09T08:57:00.000-07:00

The title is from Elizabeth Eliot's book "Passion and Purity." I'm re-reading it to my younger sister it the hopes that she would gleen much more than I did at her age. As for me, I'll let the video speak for itself. Ciao bella.

"cause i've prayed to have
someone like you in my life
i thank God that He told you

I've been waiting for this moment
to have you next to me"

A Worthy Romantic

2011-06-03T00:35:00.000-07:00

I find it interesting that in the same moment I was watching the below video, I also found this commentary on Ruth from DesiringGod.org. Funny how God works things to fit. Ciao bella!

t's Rarely Romantic at the Time
June 3, 2011 | by Jon Bloom

If you’re a romantic (and I think you should be) you love the book of Ruth.

This short story almost seems like it was made for film. It has all the components of a great romance: tragedy, loyalty, courage, virtuous love, unlikely lovers, a great obstacle, the triumphant moment, the happy ending, and the hand of Providence guiding it all. It’s a feel-good read.

But I don’t think Naomi, Ruth, and Boaz experienced it as romantic until they saw it all in retrospect.

Just think of chapter one. Naomi thinks her life is over. At this point she’s more “Ecclesiastes” than “Ruth.” With her husband and two sons dead, she has nothing. God appears to have turned on her. All she has to look forward to is destitution.

Ruth’s future doesn’t hold out much promise either. She’s a young childless widow. She has a fierce loyalty to her mother-in-law, but we don’t know why. Maybe she discerned in Yahweh a reality she couldn’t leave, though Naomi’s interpretation of God’s disposition toward them was not very optimistic. Or maybe Ruth’s family of origin was so painful that a life of poverty with Naomi in a foreign land was the much better option.

And what about Boaz? Polygamy was acceptable back then, but nothing is said of other wives, living or dead. He seems to be at least middle-aged (Ruth 4:10) and single. If that’s true, surely there are heartbreaks in his past; perhaps someone he once hoped for who is now another man’s wife.

And there they are, people of sorrows and acquainted with grief, just trying to hold it together in Bethlehem at the beginning of barley harvest.

So where are you in the real, living story God is telling? God is the great Romantic and all his children have roles that are far more significant than most of them know. But they are rarely romantic to experience at any given time.

Take a lesson from Naomi and don’t assume too much too early. Even if death is near. God is always up to more than you think and foresee. Remember, Boaz and Ruth both died before ever knowing that their child would grandfather Israel’s greatest king.

To Covet mean to be jealous

2011-05-21T08:16:00.000-07:00

So last night the Lord revealed some ugly to me. That being that I am a jealous guy. it kind of sneaked up on me actually. So long story short there's a woman I'm into and i saw my friend sitting next to her having what seemed like a great time, laughing and joking to themselves.

Funny thing, he told me later that he could "sense" me staring.

But as I went home I began growing bitter at them both. So I hacked it out with the Lord to juts keep my focus again. When I got home I was just about to sleep when the phrase, "thou shall not covet" came to mind. From where it came from I dunno (must be that still small voice of the Lord). So I opened my bible and started reading.

It was James 4:2-6 that hit me the hardest:

"You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. 3 You ask and do not receive, because you ask zwrongly, to spend it on your passions. 4 aYou adulterous people!1 Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? bTherefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God. 5 Or do you suppose it is to no purpose that the Scripture says, “He yearns jealously over the spirit cthat he has made to dwell in us”? 6 But dhe gives more grace. Therefore it says, e“God opposes the proud, but dgives grace to the humble.”

The commentary on that passage read that to covet is the greek word for jealous. I was jealous! I wanted that which my friend had, particularly a woman's attention, when I should have wanted nothing else by my attention, my focus to be on the Lord.

I talked to my friend. We hashed it out, I asked him to forgive me cause I "murdered him in my heart (james 2:4 "you desire and do not have, so you murder.") We understood that we both had a battle that we needed to fight, to keep our purity and testimony right in the Lord. Thank God that he's also my accountability partner for this coming missions trip.

Lord, thank you for revealing this things to me. TO be sure, it's really ugly but the more and more you show me the more and more I love you. Thank you Abba that you love me so much that sometimes you have to discipline me. I wouldn't have it any other way. I know you want the best for me, what that is, who that is, I have no clue. Control me to trust in you daily. And not over step my boundaries. Thank you so much Abba, i love you! In Christ Name... Amen.

From the Inside Out (Original Poem)

2011-05-13T14:09:00.001-07:00

Like A Sudden Flame (Reblogged from Where the Sand Meets the Seas)

2011-05-11T00:18:00.000-07:00

"Like A Sudden Flame”
A stream of consciousness blog about the mens and the womens.

Recently I was creepin on two of my friend’s FB pages. They used to date back in the day, one is currently married and the other’s engaged (don’t worry, its not you). I noticed that some of their recent profile pictures depicted them doing similar activities and I thought to myself….

Are they secretly in a competition for life?

I have this theory that ex-lovers are secretly in constant competition. Who is more successful in their career path? Who picks the better spouse? Who buys the better home? Who has the better looking baby?

Facebook only made this worse.

Yesterday I saw Adjustment Bureau and there is this part in the movie, similar to the Notebook, where the ex reads about their old flame in the newspaper, the feelings come back and they rush to them to break up their engagement.

Unrealistic. But charming. See this was before FB. Back when you wouldn’t find out anything about an old love unless you randomly stumbled upon some story on them in the paper… and after you got over the “crap they’re winning!” part… you’d think to yourself: I miss them, why aren’t we still together?

Facebook and the internet ruined all that.

These days life isn’t romantic at all. It’s just a lame race to the finish.

I agree. The internet has made romance difficult. I remember when I didn't have internet I use to write notes and even letters. Now with the push of the button I can send a "soulless" message via facebook, but then I think about it, last time I wrote a note to a girl was in 8th grade.

Lately I've been thinking about marriage myself. But there are a whole other list of reasons why I shouldn't. Being young, single, and Christian I have the opportunity that many who are married with kids do not have - ministry opportunities, missions. I ask myself, why would I want to spoil that?

But that sounds kinda rude.

A few nights ago I read Matthew 6:32, "But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." Although at the time of that reading I was complaining to God (and yes I often hash it out with the Lord like that... and boy does He show me wassup) about my finances concerning missions.

Interesting how this verse even applies to this.

Lord, you are just so amazing. Thank you for your love to me that I could never return in full. Abba, I ask that with this matter, you take it from my heart and hand and replace it with the things of your kingdom and your righteousness. Let me be consumed by those until you see fit to bless me with a helpmate, my missing rib. But Lord, teach also to be content in you and you alone if she never comes. That is so painful to say Lord, but as the song says, "your love is better than life" so let me love you Abba, Lord, Spirit, with every fiber of my being, until that that you return... or I go home. In Your Son, Jesus Christ's name I pray...

Amen.

Proverbs 17:28

2011-05-09T10:56:00.000-07:00

Even a fool, when he keeps silent, is considered wise;When he closes his lips, he is considered prudent.

So here's me trying my hardest to be silent before men, but vocal to God. Keep me silent, Lord! Speaking only when the time is appropriate. Amen.

Something Unknown that only God knows - Original Prayer/Poem

2011-04-05T07:48:00.000-07:00

I dont know what it is. There's something in me that just cries out and wants to be sick! I dunno what it is... I just want someone to talk to, to pray with, to... anything. God fill me and be my greatest need.

And what I need, truly need... Is You and much mroe of you. it's true... I desire nothing else but the best and my best was never EVER good enough... God fill completely with your love because I know to be in your courts is better than a thousand elsewhere

And I pull my hair out because I know this.

I'm the reason He died. Took my sin, my anger, butt hurt and pride.
Took it like a lamb being sacrificed... oh wait... You was... because You loves us... HA... well I don't believe

Then go on a keep being decieved...

For He says it Himself, "believe and do not doubt for he who doubts is like the wave of the sea... driven and tossed by the winds." And that means of wisdoms gain...

trials heavy like a gun shot pain.... but ten times worse
becuase you....

need an anesthetic for your flesh, eyes, life and the ravishing greed you think you need...

But it will only turn into sand in your heart and hand choking the life out of everything in existance...

Shared Space - Original Poem

2011-04-01T03:19:00.000-07:00

(image from Post Secret)

To say your gorgeous, beautiful or lovely is an understatement

And I’ve underestimated how you are
Without the flowing robes
without the mascara and hair pins
cause you’re brave enough to show me within

Beyond your curves and velvet skin
Behind those piercing eyes
and in
Your heart and deeper than your soul

You’ve showed me those scars and yet
Here you stand
Able
Whole

And it amazes me
You... amaze me

So need I ask
Is it just being lazy?
to want to lay here
entangled in your touch

Is it too much?

To want to breath you in
Like I cleansing wind from the Oahu shores
Sure it sounds kinda funny and you might call me crazy

But I don’t want to leave
I want to lay here, lazy
And dwell upon the thought of this shared space
That by God’s grace he has given to us

Despite all our set backs
And all our rebellious fazes
His Face
Is turned towards us
So would it be cheesy to say, “blessed to be a blessing” today?

As we lay upon this cool covered mattress
Thanking God for this

Shared Space

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As of late I've really been thinking about finding a wife. No this aint one of them funny apirl fools gags or anything. I'm being for real. And then I realize this: If I wanna FIND someone I first have to BE that one.

Trust. That thought alone hurts me because I think about what I WAS.... and then I think what CHRIST has made me now to be. A brother, a friend, a weaver of words. At least for now.

A night born of selfishness

2011-03-27T01:34:00.000-07:00

Tonight was a great night. I was able to make it to Catalyst and share some spoken word poetry at their "hip hop movement" night. After that I met with kuya Mark and we just shot the breeze, talked about life and jail and just being open to people. It was a great blessing, but now I'm second guessing my whole day.

As I was driving hope my car started to stutter then dropped to 2000 rmp/40 mph. Thank the Lord I was near an off ramp when it happened. I'm now home safe but am in limbo as whether i should praise or be depressed.

Thoughts flooded my head: How will I get it fixed? What if its the engine and it cost 2000 to repair? I guess I'm not going to SD next week huh? How about church in the morning? Why all this now?

A night of selfishness, or a night that Satan wants to steal again my joy in Christ. And remind me of how much a failure I am.

I didn't wake up for the gospel sharing, I missed out on the men's fellowship. Lazy, no good, loser...

Lord, I need You right about now...

I Will Rise (Psalm 37:24, Isaiah 40:31) - Original Poem w/ Commentary

2011-03-26T03:43:00.000-07:00

I wrote this poem while at work on 3/25/2011. I will feeling real depressed about life and just questioning God role for me in the grand scheme of things. I talked to my co worker who also battles with depression and it sent me straight. As for that, I also told my bro in the Lord Herv to pray for me cause "im going through a bout of depression and worthlessness right now... I hate it..." The Lord hears the cries of His children. And a few minutes later I found myself writing this completed piece. Holy Spirit's work most definitely. God may you be magnified and glorified in this poem.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Though my mind be ransacked
and my heart be dreary
though I fall into depression and my love becomes weary...

I will rise

I will rise up on eagles wings
I will raise my hands my voice to sing how great is our God
Then I will proclaim
I just cant wait to die.

What?!

No there is no error
Cause to be absent in the body is to be present with the Lord
But while Im still here...

I will brandish His Sword!
The Word of God
That bring lights and life
Lose the dragnet, lose the strife

Im talking bout life with meaning
Seeing with eyes that are open and new

A brand new day Gods given to you...
So how you gonna handle it?
How are you gonna use it?
Abuse it?
Live it like it’s yours to lay waste?
Then what a waste of breath and space
Time and talent
if not given to Gods own glory
Dont make yourself out to be the grandest of stories

Because you’re not
cause God said it Himself:
There is no one good, not even one.

So knowing that,
This is what His Son says… go and make disciples…

So I will go
Into every city and nation
every town and or country with this proclamation:

Repent and be saved
go and turn away
from the sin in the city
from the sex on the bay
Turn away
From the needles and dimes
From the hustle and crimes

And turn toward Christ
Life everlasting cause He paid for your price

Died like a criminal and hung like a piece of meat
Became the ugly to give you the treat

Life and life anew
For you... and all of you...

so then, what will you do?

I will rise.

Keep my head to the skies
Keep my nose to the grind
And that’s fine
Life is hard enough as it is
How much more if He

Did not rise

For me

Chinese and Dead Batteries

2011-03-07T12:05:00.000-08:00

Last night was an eventful night.

The family we starving so we went around norwalk looking for a good buffet place to eat at. All the places were packed full of people until we found one at the Norwalk Square. Good time of eating and spending time with family.

But the fun didn't end there.

We got out to leave and I tried to start my car. But it didnt even crank.

Lifting the hood and finding out that my battery was missing a cap really got me PO'ed. But then my mom (sensible woman she is) said, "hey, look there's a AutoZone right there." It was the same autozone I went to to buy the battery. As I stood there staring at a dead battery, my mom and younger sister went into the store and came out with a store worker with some kinda machine to test the charge of the battery.

Yup... it's dead. We can try to charge it if you like.

So after borrowing some tools at the store and messing with the screws for a good 15 mins while my mom held open the hood and my sister used her phone as a flash light, we finally got it into the store and got it to charge. But the wait was about an hour and a half. And what's more they said if it's not under the warranty you'll have to buy a new one.

So irritated but alive, I walked back to the car with the family and we all took a nap. Before I feel asleep I had my sister read the book of James outloud. And it was my life verse that made me say... Lord, you trying to speak huh?

"Consider it all joy when you encounter various trials knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance."

Waking up half an hour later we found out that the battery was completely dead and as the store clerk typed up my info to see if it was still under warrently, I secretly said a praying under my breath:

"please Lord."

And it was so.... we got a new battery.

As soon as I fit it into my car, life roared once again! Most interesting thing that as we got going, it started to rain a little. My mom said, "looks like God was holding back the rain until the right time."

"He sure was mom."

BEATIFIC CLOTHING!

2011-02-19T01:43:00.000-08:00

Beatific Clothing

It's my friends clothing line. Christian wear! with the verse Phil 4:7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Check him out and also check out his line on Big Cartel right here!

Beautiful Sickness

2011-02-16T03:44:00.000-08:00

It's a beautiful sickness
And a common disease
No it's not AIDS, dysentery, or STDS

But it's just as deadly

It's the outbreak of love
It's the feeling of a fluttery soul
I hope you can excuse me for a moment while I take a stroll

I think I'm gonna be sick

puppy dog love
and the cutesy phone calls of the day
please, ya'll are delirious, just please go away

I don't wanna catch what you have

Cause it starts with the lazy day dreaming, zombie like stares
Followed by the red flushed cheeks and the I don't cares

ya'll know what I mean, "I don't care about anything but you!" YUCK

Then the palms get all clammy
And the breathing all quick and heavy...

And the... Oh no... Oh no, I think I caught it
But that's impossible! But how?
I take two pills of, "get a room you two" daily
and lately, I've been washing it down with a glass of "tears" "silent fears"
Along with the soft glances and only quick leers

And now the throbbing headache of "bashful disses"
And hallucinative thoughts of calling her "Misses"

Oohhh... that sounds nice doesnt?

NO! WAIT JUST ONE MINUTE!

It cant be the love disease unless my whole being's in it

And last I checked I got the heart, the soul, but not the mind
And if self evaluations right that means I'm just fine.

It was only infatuation.... Oh no...

2011-01-30T16:01:00.001-08:00

6,279 Miles (Original Poem)

2011-01-17T23:36:00.001-08:00

Like a heart broken dream
It’s too good it just seems
But the memories once again flood over me

Like the waves of the sea
Are the feelings for thee
Thought to be gone but no... revived once again

Is distance the case
Just to feel your embrace
Hold you close in the cold winter night

But the tears that I fight
Tell myself I'm iite
Yet I'm not. My mind's shattered like glass...
I can't repeat the past
Jump the gun way too fast
So here again, I'm down on my knees

Lord help me please
I just want to have peace
And the ache to just go away

Yet if it's here to stay
Then help me do the right way
Seeking counsel in none other than You

For Your faithful and true
And whatever You do
Lord, have Your way... in me.

Back to Normalcy.. At The Brink of Darkness, Light

2011-01-15T18:56:00.000-08:00

This week's been rough. That's all I can say... So I'm just gonna post a poem here...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The gun feels heavy in the palm of my hand
and as i pull back the hammer i proclaim yeah here i stand

set myself up as I brace this glock
which all be methaphors and similies I got on lock...

bang bang!
bullets are the words that come
from my mind to my hand

glock be the pen and the wisdom from the Son of man

bang bang
no use in dodgin
methaphorical bullets
in your mind ill be lodgin
and a liberal use of scriptural words and phrases
and I aint gonna shy from proclaimin the name of Jesus...
but how do one stand in the darkness but walk in the light?
For the Word of God says walk by faith and not by sight

Cause the sight that physical eyes do see
Is pain and destruction and immorality
But these eyes no longer calloused over by Satans lies
May this heart follow, obey and heed
For if the Son has set you free you are free indeed

and in truth you heard. I throw off that glock and pick up the sword of His Word

and it says quote...

for our battle aint against flesh and blood
But against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

therefore...

put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

So here I stand I can do no other
But point to the Light and glorify the Father
and the Son who set the captives free
and the Holy Spirit who dwells in...

Christianity and Depression...

2011-01-10T13:34:00.000-08:00

Make not the best of friends. Like they shouldn't go together. And I don't medicate it because I believe depression is not a mental or physical ailment, but a spiritual one. A spiritual battle. One that I'm ashamed to tell anyone...

So I'm left to tell the World Wide Web. As if that would help me.

Now here's me just brain dumping:

The thought is that Christians aren't suppose to be depressed because "don't they claim to have everything?" Depends on what you mean by everything? Riches? Glory? Fame? Love? Acceptance?

My flesh yes that is what I want. The spirit says no that is not what you need. But in this depressed state, I can't think right and I know my thoughts are skewed. Case in point, I just sat in the shower for close to half an hour asking myself, "what's the point? Why do I keep going on?"

These thoughts are so dangerous and I can feel a sort of darkness creeping in. It's a lonely, claustrophobic, short of breath type of feeling. And it scares me what it could go into.

Fumbling his confidence
And wond’ring why the world has passed him by
Hoping that he’s meant for more than arguments
And failed attempts to fly, fly

We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
Somewhere we live inside
Somewhere we live inside
We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
Somewhere we live inside

Eph 6:19

2011-01-02T17:00:00.001-08:00

"and pray on my behalf, that utterance may be given to me in the opening of my mouth, to make known with boldness the mystery of the gospel."

And so while I still got breath in my lungs I will look life square in the face and say: Bring it.

2011-01-01T01:49:00.000-08:00

The title was taken from one of my more recent poems entitled "Outlook on Life." I must that this past week alone has been nothing but confirmation after confirmation of the Lord's leading in my life. It certainly was a bunch of tears and heart ache this week. Of course these reason I will keep to myself until the appropriate time. But lets just say, when God says you must obey. No questions, just do it.

So here's me obeying.

Engagement Party

2010-12-30T03:09:00.000-08:00

Yeah, I've never heard of it before either... didnt know they existed but I'm sure glad I went tonight.

So my dad and step mom hosted the engagement party for Chloe and Joshua (Chloe is the niece of my step mom). I suppose it was all for Joshua to meet the Lorico side of the family (which even I dont know how big it is.... and they say its BIG! Talk about spreading your seed.)

I learned a couple of things today. First off, family is so important. I enjoyed getting to know (or re know) my step moms side of the family along with Joshua. I love my extended family. They are most certainly different in a good way, they're all from well do to families, but when they come together for parties such as this, you can sense the love.

It's something I miss within my own household or I should say my former household when my father and mother were together. But I do not regret where the Lord has lead me for as His word says, "God causes all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose."

Another thing I learned, the groom to be, was 22. And already getting married? amazing. And also he is such a strong Christian. As I was talking to the bride to be's mom she said, "you know those two are doing it the old school way. Waiting until they get married!" Funny though, the way she said it was like it was weird for them to wait until they got married to consummate there love.

Me though, that was encouraging to her beyond any belief. It shows me, if they can do it, then by the grace of God, so can I in keeping my purity for my future wife. even more encouraging was the fact that after I found out Joshua was a believer, he told me I'll pray for you.

Amazing man he is, amazing woman chloe is. That most certainly will be a beautiful marriage, by the grace of God.

And as I meditate on this all tonight, I wonder to myself, when will I meet that one girl, or have I already and just don't know it? I dont wanna get ahead of myself nor the will of God but I recognize that I am so impatient, and then when someone is at the door, I buck up like a frozen fridge.

I can only pray that God will continue to mold me to be that man, that leader, that disciple that He and He alone wants me to be.

Why Do Roses Have Thorns?

2010-12-28T00:49:00.000-08:00

We all have insecurities. We all have flaws. The thorns are those things, things we think are ugly and want to be keep secret or forget. The roses are our hearts.

All I know is that God's got mine. And I'd like to keep it that way. But I wouldn't mind sharing a part of it with the world, if even that tiny part brings encouragement to someone to keep going, stand tall, get up again, and walk forward. Then to that I can say, to God be the glory.

Why do roses have thorns?

As if to say don’t touch?

Maybe, but I think it’s something more
More as in she’s protecting something deep within her core

Like a scarred heart within a dark, enclosed shell
And the first thought within my head is:

Geez, she must have been through hell

Well hell, so have I
Cause I’ve had my fair share of scars and abuses
All of which now are just poetic muses

All by His grace of course
But I won’t lie, they were certainly coarse

To my skin and into my pores
Broken hearts are more than chores
They’re demolitions

And rebuilding walls and fences
So we can fence in
Ourselves
Our prized pedaled roses
While keeping our eyes and our noses to the ground…

Is ridiculous.

Just cause we have thorns doesn’t mean we’re not beautiful
We are
Cause if God said it, then I’m inclined to believe it
and keep it in the forefront of my mind
So in time those wound would heal
Yes, it’ll leave scars that we may still feel

But who cares?
Thorns just tell the world
And ourselves

To be careful what you touch
And to what you do with your heart

2010-12-22T22:51:00.001-08:00

A Friend Wrote These Words

2010-12-17T00:39:00.000-08:00

And as I reflect on them, I think back if I've ever called my younger sisters such discouraging words. Lord, ~~help~~ control me to never scar ~~such a~~ any woman... ever.

but what I do know is that we've been so deceived, lied to, and just outright tricked to what real beauty is.
& to any boys reading this (though i seriously doubt).... please, please know that the things you say could truly scar a woman for life, or encourage her to embrace the way that God created her. be a man of uplifting words..remind women that having a beautiful heart is much more valuable than the 10 layers of makeup on her face.

Dear darlin',

2010-12-07T00:02:00.000-08:00

I had planned to just say "hi."

So I broke my vow. But you weren't on and I felt dumb. I've come to associate FB with your presence and its hard. What's hard is the waiting period. But this is what the Lord want to develop in me, patience, long suffering, endurance.

There is no such thing as a quick fix in this situation. I just have to trust that God has the best in mind for us both.... even if it isn't us.

I guess I just think negatively because, just like you expressed, I don't feel like I should be happy. Like this feeling, however wonderful it is, shouldn't be for me.

I want what's best for you. I'm just wondering... is that me? Could I lead you as a man, could I honor you as a woman?

Lord, help me, because I'm not sure of myself anymore.

I read your blog, and that song by Josh Wilson is very comforting at this moment.

I know your very busy... you may never read this, but press on darlin' God loves you so much and wants the best for you. Study hard, I know you have finals and all. Keep your eyes on Him and the calling He has for your life.

You will never go wrong.

In the love of Christ,
Jude

Quotable Quotes

2010-12-06T07:57:00.000-08:00

The best, most beautiful, and most perfect way that we have of expressing a sweet concord of mind to each other, is by music. When I would form in my mind an idea of a society in the highest degree happy, I think of them as expressing their love, their joy, and the inward concord and harmony and spiritual beauty of their souls by sweetly singing to each other.

-Jonathan Edwards, Micellanies # 188 "Heaven"

Those who love you are not fooled by mistakes you have made or dark images you hold about yourself. They remember your beauty when you feel ugly; your wholeness when you are broken; your innocence when you feel guilty; and your purpose when you are confused.

-Unknown author, wisdomcommons.com

Almost Useeless

2010-11-11T07:38:00.000-08:00

have you ever experienced that? Being almost useless for a person? I'm in that way now. Thousands of miles away is a sister in the Lord doing missionary work.

She had to talk to the "authorities" and she asked me to kneel for her. I'm scared because she is in a place where to be a Christian could mean certain jail time or maybe death to her.

And here I am feeling useless.

Lord, what can I do except to trust in You? This is what we all signed up for and we knew it, yet we follow you faithfully.

Even In the Rain - Unfinished Original Song

2010-09-04T23:02:00.000-07:00

I dont really know what came over me. But I just wanted to write a song about said topic. It's been done before, sure. But I have a feeling that I will go through "the rains" very soon. Intuition? No. Holy Spirit.

When the candle burns to embers
Does it mean that it’s dead?
No, not unless you snuff it out the door

And the lady by the bedside
Does she think her prayers work?
Cause all they ever sees is a chore

She wouldn’t have it anymore
She wouldn’t fight on through the pain
She lived her life a shattered girl, still playin’ in the rain

She thought her life now would be through
But then she never really knew
That You’ll be there… even in the rain

Relationships Can Be Idols Too - Original Poem

2010-09-01T03:46:00.000-07:00

They ask me why I’m single
And I tell them:
Cause I’m afraid to hate them
And turn them into lies
Which means, I don’t want to turn a girl into that ultimate prize

But the sad thing is:
I’ve loved the gift more than the Giver
The delivery and not the Deliverer

And you say “absurd!”
But it’s in His Word:

“You shall put no other gods before Me.”

And it’s in His Word,
That to do so is a dangerous thing:

To make an idol
Of the gift God brings

The Theology of Divine Appointments - Part 1 (Original Poem)

2010-09-01T03:44:00.000-07:00

Anything can be a divine appointment
If you could only take chance to see

For example:

How do you know that two (that walk together)
Will one day become “we” (like birds of a feather)

As in
“I” and “I do”
You never know
It could be you and you or you and you.
And when it happens it’ll make you say, “Wow, who knew?”

Then it becomes an “a-ha” moment where you declare, “it was true… God knew.”

Infancy of the Mind

2010-08-30T01:48:00.000-07:00

Pastor Paul spoke about the wickedness and deceitfulness of the heart

This is about the infancy of the mind.

Christ calls us to be like children who have a faith of thankfulness and humility.

Of trusting completely in the one who takes care of us, of letting go and letting God handle our lives.

As children of God, we are to desire the PURE MILK of the Word of God (1 Pet 2:2) which is actually solid food and not just NORMAL MILK which is elementary teachings. It is true though, some are still in need of the elementary principles of God's word. A sad sight to see if you have been a Christian for years.

When we talk about the infancy of the mind, we are talking about the "renewal of the mind."

But how can one renew one mind to be like a child? It is like the question of Nicodimus who asked, "how can I man be born again?" It's a connundrum.

Romans 12:2 tells us, "And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect."

This renewal of the mind is from infancy to childhood, so that when God says, "is anything to difficult for me? (Gen 18:14)"

We can respond in kind: "No, Abba, but you can do all things. By your hand nations rise and fall, by Your Word people are saved from eternal hell, your love constraints me."

May we "ask for wisdom from God who gives generously without finding fault... may we believe and not doubt (James 1:3-4)." If and/or when God will pour our his blessing to us.

and may we ask it all in faith as a mustard seed, knowing that if our request are in God's will, HE shall make the way and, "supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus (Phil 4:19)."

"Can you trust Jesus Christ where your common sense cannot trust Him?... As soon as I say, "I believe 'God shall supply all [my] need,'" the testing of my faith begins (Phil 4:19). When my strength runs dry and my vision is blinded, will I endure this trials of my faith victoriously or will I turn back in defeat? faith must be tested, because it can only beomce your intimate possession through conflict... Believe steadfastly on Him and everything that challenges you will strengthen your faith."
(Quoted from Oswald Chambers book--"My Utmost for His Highest",August 29 devotion entitled "The Unsurpassed Intimacy of Tested Faith)

Commonalities between a Cat and Dog

2010-08-03T19:55:00.000-07:00

I was listening to Brian McKnights song "One last Cry" while writing this poem. Can you figure? LOL

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You’re adventurous
And so am I

You like Boba
And so do I

Your funny acting
And I’m funny looking

You’re disciplined
I’m free spirited

I’m told you hit like a guy
I’m practicing BJJ so you won’t hit me

You hate germs and icky things
I’m a custodian (so technically you should hate me, but I know you don’t. How can I tell? Cause you’re blushing right now).

Sometimes you dress so simply, I especially like it when you have your hair in a pony tail
And sometimes you’re so eclectic and eccentric in your look that
Well… that it drives me wild

You like country
Well, I want to live in the provinces

You know how to keep rhythm
I’m learning how to dance

You like dogs
I like cats (hey at least we both like pets)

You can sing a high C
I just like to drink it

You say you “love” God
I say I “agape” you for loving God

Now I’m sure we have many more commonalities
But for now, that’s the only common things I see
So,
Would you go and open that heart shaped door?
Or leave me hangin’ here with my own heart on the floor?
Cause as they say, ladies choice

Now I know he still likes you
Here’s the thing: so do I
He let you go once
So did I

But if you let me, again I’d try
To have at least that “one last cry”
Yet I’m a gentleman
So allow me to ask his permission first
Cause the scenarios in my head… are always the worst

First, he says go and you say no
Or, he says no but you say so
Or worse still
If you BOTH say no and your still with each other

Cause honestly at times, I can’t tell, so make that mess known, is you together or both alone?
Throw me a bone please!

In any case, if any of the points are true, and I truly know me
I’ll let you go again
Hence, another....

Commonality

Love Your Enemies, Bless Those Who Curse You

2010-08-02T21:12:00.000-07:00

So today... someone on formspring called me "gayy" and when I got home I got a flat tire. Satan was trying to destroy me. I know it. But God is powerful! James 1:2-4 is my life verse by the way. How great that I needed those verses. Enjoy the poem.

P.S. I deleted my formspring. I've never felt better.

I don’t need em I got plenty
But God says to love your enemies
Always seek to give them blessing
Take it as a spiritual testing
Heaping hot coals on their head so…
Make then think, “man, what the hey-o?”

In my anger I’ll turn the other cheek
If they slap me, I’ll not grow weak
Cause…
In Christ’s Spirit I am made strong
Cause I’m grounded, I’ll sing a new song.
Let them slander, let them curse
I’ll continue
Till I reach the Hurst

I don’t know what else to say
But I’ll leave with a warning
And I’ll put it this way:

If I wasn’t in Christ
Grounded and rooted in His mercy and love
If Christ had not come into my heart to change me…

Then I would have found a way to destroy you, my enemies
Emotionally, physically, financially, spiritually
Even to the point of considering taking your life

But now… and thank God for the “but” and the “now”
I give you over to the Lord,
That one day we would be friends or even better brothers or siblings in Christ
That one day you would know the love and forgiveness of Christ, as I do.

By the way,
I forgive you
For you know not what you do…

I think I'm ready

2010-08-02T00:07:00.000-07:00

Note to self: It's time to look for her who's ready too. A weekend of blessings and revelations/realizations. God is good, too good. "I smile when I think about the way You turn my life around..."

QUICK FLOW: "So many to choose from/and I can't pick/They is provs 31/and the ladies is sick/and that's a good thing/you need to know/she loves God and I say OH... Hallelujah! Praise Jesus!"

Late Night Conversations with Dad

2010-07-27T02:36:00.001-07:00

Late Night Conversation with Dad

Thoughts into words that won’t come out to play
So in my thoughts are they there to stay?
I’m not sure
And so I pray:

Lord, can you reveal the secret things
The things I need to know
Reveal the way I walk and talk
And mold me that I’ll grow

And Thus sayith the Lord:
Are you bored? For it is not for you to know the times or epochs
That only the Father knows
But observe My Word, My child My son
And by it you will know

My will, My plan, My course for you
My Word shall be your guide
If you do but this for Me:
Your light you shall not hide

But abide in Me and I in you
For I am the Vinedresser
I am the Way, the Life, the Truth
And I call to you, transgressor

Turn away, turn around
Come now back to me
For now you stand on Holy Ground
With new eyes you shall now see

And in truth I see with open eyes
My flesh is dirty to the core
For in His Light reveals the lies
The darkness sees the door

Lust and anger, hate and pride
Greed and such depravity
Morbid, suicidal thoughts inside
And the darkest of insanities

Vanities oh vanities
A life filled chasing winds
His light exposes and examines me
And reveals my hidden sins

Laziness, fear, and hopelessness
These things I cannot hide
Worry, disobedience
In Him, I find… I’ve died

I’ve died, good
For now the paradoxical becomes true
I’ve died, His Spirit now resides
No more me
But now You

10 Things to do while single

2010-07-24T22:32:00.000-07:00

So I was reading this article And I was surprised at I've completed almost everything on here. So just for my benefit and maybe for a good laugh on whomever reads this... here you go.

1. Travel Alone: I think I've done this. Does driving to Vegas on my birthday weekend count?

2. Wallow in the ache of a broken heart: Umm... duh. haha. How many times have I been broken hearted. Much of my poetry screams broken and hurt. Thank the Lord he brings back my sanity.

3. Spend the weekend with a married couple your age: Check. Kuya Mark and Nikki Poblete. And even saw how it is to raise a baby boy. All i can say is WOW.

4. Don't come home all night: Did that two weeks ago. Stayed at a friends house a played Splinter Cell from like 11 to 3 in the morning! LOL

5. Stand up for a cause you care about: World vision. Sponsoring a child named Maria from the Philippines

6. Have a real adventure: Does biking around San Diego and biking up a hill then going down at 45 mph count? LOL

7. Learn how to take care of yourself: Two years ago my family went to Philippines for a 2 weeks on a missions trip. I was home alone. Check.

8. Buy something hugely impractical just because you love it: BJJ classes. 125 bucks a month. Then in September, I start night work again. Wack!

9. Develop a hobby: I write poetry. Check.

10. Be completely, utterly, wholly single for at least three months: haha. I 've been single for as long as I've known!

CONCLUSION:

I think I'm ready. Any takers? LOL

My Type of Woman - Orginal Poem

2010-07-12T20:51:00.000-07:00

A few nights ago I got an annoymous question on my formspring asking me who I like. Well, I figure I put it in somewhat of a poetic form. So if you're that annoymous person, it's not WHO I like... but WHAT I like in a woman.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
God fearing, God worshipping, God loving, God trusting woman, who has vision for the future cause she knows her past is secure.

If she’s missions minded and not blinded to the fact that there are 6 BILLION people on this planet and growing; then she already has my attention. Did I mention, she has to be adventurous? Now whether that means long driving to places not visited or trying out my new Indian recipe, we’ll let her pick the poison.

And I’d enjoy it if she knew how to dance. Now if that means staying in the two step or upgrading to the tango, it’s all good.

Now I’m also looking for maternal and eternally reminded daily of her missions here on earth. To be part of the leaders and not part of the crowd, to which I mean that she’s not loud but modest, in what she says, thinks and wears, cause I wanna be the only one who gets to have whiplash cause she catches my stares.

I pray she’s not a gossip but she does know how to talk and match the Gospel message in the way she walks. Who knows that public displays of affection and private displays of affection are two totally different things, and one is for her husband’s eyes only.

And it wouldn’t hurt if she’s a go-getter as in she goes and gets her who doesn’t know who Him who knows us; that would be a major plus! Plus, she must be submissive. And I know that there are erroneous teachings concerning this but I hope she knows that joyful submissiveness is only a mirror to the fact that we ought to be submissive to the Lord who saved and sanctified us for His purpose alone.

Speaking of purpose, I hope she doesn’t mind that I clean classrooms in my spare time, and she knows that it is not a job that defines are person but that person who defines the job and even more so if that person is defined in the Lord, she knows that whether he works as a cleaner, a cook, or a karate master, it is the Lord who places him there.

And I hope she understands that I can sometimes be an emotional man. Hey, I write poems, how much more emotional can you get when you write things like:

In the stillness of the night
In the dim moonlight
When the moon breaks through clouds and hits your face just right
You shimmer like silver and you glisten like gold
Or so I’m told
But charm is deceptive and beauty fleeting
But a woman who fears the Lord is to be praise

And these days, it sure is.
So, who do I like? Well if you match these descriptions… I might like you.

The Joy of Your Salvation

2010-07-07T17:28:00.000-07:00

This poem is based on Psalm 51
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was a passionate night
With another man’s wife
And because of that romp
It would cost him his life

And the life of his four children
And the life of Israel’s children
And their children’s children

And very soon after that sinful situation
He found himself praying to the LORD of his nation
LORD please,

Restore to me the joy of my salvation

For you see
Sin is like a cancerous tumor.
You hear a sermon that says, “repent!”
And you think it’s just rumor

You’re wrong, you’re deadly wrong

When in fact, it’s reality and it has already begun
By the callousness of heart
And the blinding of the eyes
So you no longer see
That spiritual regression
Is already upon thee

And when you realize and find out
It’s already too late
Sin has long since begun to overtake

And that “tiny” little sin
That you’ve tried to minimize
Snowballs and grows
Both in depth and in size

Thoughts turn to actions
And habit to addiction
You’re thinking cold turkey
But that’s just fiction

There’s nothing you can do
You’ve become dead to the core

But that is when you need
Christ’s love all the more

You need His mercy
You need His grace
So confess your sins
Whether on your knees
Or on your face

And He is faithful to forgive you
But He’s also just, too
That you live with the consequences
Of what you say, think, and do

And here’s the truth
In Christ,
There is no longer any condemnation
The world may shun you
But in Him you’re a new creation

So now you are forgiven
Loved and set free
To be what God what’s you to honestly be

So sing with joy
To the God of Our salvation
And give Him your praise
For this new situation

This, new life
This, new beginning
This, new fresh start

And may it never be that you’d think to depart
From the joy
Of your salvation

4th of July - A LONG DAY = A LONG POST

2010-07-05T01:18:00.001-07:00

It's offically the end of 4th of July but this 4th of July was awesome on so many levels.

I had planned to go to bed last night at about 12 since I had choir in the morning at 7. God didn't plan it that way (does He ever plan it how we want? Thank God we run on His time table) I went to sleep at 2:30 AM because God inpressed in my heart to switch the choir devotion from talking about Peter and John 6:68 to preaching on John 8:31-36 with the main verse being verse 36:

"If the Son has set you free, you are free indeed."

In the process of writing that, God was impressing in my heart and mind to share the Gospel, but to who? Then it became clear: My family.

I was kind of hesitant when I thought about that, so I put it in the back of my mind, yet still I had a kind of desire to.

Well, woke up at 5:30 and make it to church at 7:15. Pastor Nathan preached a sermon based on Psalm 33:12-22. "A Nation under God."

That sermon in itself was truly a blessings. To know and truly understand that this nation, the USA, was founded on Christian principles, and that many of the signers of the Declaration of Independance were also full time preachers of God's Word. Amazing to see though the degeneration of this nation going away from the Lord. It's funny, I found myself saying, "We can't sing God bless America until we can bless God."

One of His points was that we never replace God with our own strength and resources. He didn't say it in His message but it was as if God was telling me, "You've been doing all things by your own strength and not mines, why don't you finally trust it me, stop making excuses and DO IT!"

Speaking of which, Sunday school also had that same theme of going out and just doing it (as it being bold for the Gospel or being transparent with a brother in Christ about one's walk with God". The saying was, just DO IT because no one else will.

After hearing three times to share the Gospel. I set it in my heart to follow.

So when I got to my aunts house today, I shared a devotion similar to Pastor Nate's sermon and then shared the Gospel. I don't know if someone accepted Christ, but the seed was definately planted.

And even throughout the night, Pastor's sermon was still in my head. Particularly a point he made about "blurring the lines" meaning are we Christians being distinctly separated from the world or not. It was hard when someone, especially family is cussing all around you and laughing and having a good time, and offering you to drink with them too.

So, that was my 4th of July. In a nut shell. haha

Night Ya'll

Gon' Fishing

2010-07-03T04:12:00.000-07:00

I just got home from fishing with my father. We fished off some secluded dock all the way near San Pedro. With bright lights in hand, fishing was fairly easy, although my dad did call it cheating when you can see the fish coming up to your bait.

We only caught three fishes.

But the highlight of this night was sitting across from my dad when we got to his house and he opened himself up to me in a way I've never seen or heard before. The prominent thought that flooded my head was, "He portrays Christianity more so than I do."

He talked about forgiving his enemies and those who had wronged him in the past.
He talked about still showing kindness to even those who caused him difficulty in life, yet still "hating" them for what they did to him.
He spoke of believing in karma and wondering why he is in the situation he is in.
Of having kids and raising them in America verses Philippines.
Of discipline and anger management
Of how he excelled in the the custodian profession and being promoted every six months
"Remember those who you need to step on to get up because they might be the same people you see when you go down."
About not dying for friends but willing to die for God and family

In that one hour that I spent at his house after we got home from fishing, I learned so much more about him and how he thinking about life, then I have ever have in my 24 years of life in this planet.

Ironically I have been praying for such an event to take place where I could just grow in wisdom and knowledge because of my earthly father.

Thank You, Jesus!

2010-06-26T17:41:00.000-07:00

Too long has it been since I've written anything of substance. And this will probably be the same.

I was flipping through my folder of poetry. And it dawned on me that I haven't written anything in so long. I miss writting. Even more... I miss God.

I've been far from Him again. Maybe it's reading this preaching books, or the thought that I might be busting a Jonah and running from God's will. The more and more I read of Jonah the more I see myself as Him. I don't have a desire to share the Gospel, let someone else do it I think.

I don't want to do a devotion, I'm not the person for it.

Then I realize, I'm just making so many excuses. Excuses, excuses.

Tawagan o Tinulak

2010-06-15T21:05:00.000-07:00

Called or pushed. This thought has been running on my mind for about two weeks. During the singles rally at church, the men and women were split up for a question and answer forum.

One of the questions read, "how do you know if you are called into the ministry?"

Amidst all of the four pastors answers, one of the said this profound statement:

"But just remember this: Some people are called and others a pushed. Those who are called into the ministry will know the are, those who are pushed will fail."

"Some People..."

2010-06-08T18:28:00.000-07:00

"...are called. And others are pushed."

It was a quote by a pastor when asked the question: How do you know if you are being called into full time ministry.

It struck a deep cord in me. So many people are saying to me "pastor Jude..."

I'm not a pastor. I'm not a preacher.

So then... what am I? And what is the point of going to bible school, of leading devotions every sunday?

Faking the funk is easily. And I don't want to fake anymore. I'm tired.

Selah - It Is Well With My Soul

2010-05-24T11:13:00.000-07:00

The Broken Hearted

2010-05-24T10:40:00.000-07:00

Studying Psalm 34. Focusing on verses 18 and 19 which read (NIV version):

"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. A righteous man may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all;"

How many times have I felt brokenhearted? More times than I can count. I found it interesting that the word brokenhearted appears only 3 times in the bible (at least in the NASB it does) Ps 34:18, Ps 147:3 and Isaiah 61:1. And all say the same thing: that the Lord heals the broken hearted.

I wondered why it was only three times. And this is the thought that came to me in my studies.

"Because we aren't to be brokenhearted." The Christian has all the love, grace, joy and peace given to him by the Father and yet we will experience brokenheartedness. Why? Two reason I thought.

1) Because we stray from the Lord and His will.

How many times have I said to myself, "I think this is what I want to do." And so I do it thinking that I have the blessing of the Lord, only to find it was not so. So in tears and repentance I come back to Him and God is faithful, like a mother hen caring for her chicks that he calls me back to His own.

2) Because God loves us that He would break our hearts so that we might return to him.

Sometimes brokenheartedness is God ordained. Look at the life of Job. Lost everything except his wife (praise God). And yet did not sin. We think it a fancy story, but it is BIBLICAL TRUTH. If it's in the bible it happened. And sometimes the brokeness is due to some event that is beyond our control, i.e. a death in the family. And we feel so hurt, but that is when God comforts us SO THAT we might be a comfort to others who are in turn hurting.

I imagine how much it hurt the Father to turn His back on His Son. And how much we forget that sometimes. Jesus was broken for me that I might not broken for eternity.

Then verse 19, "many are the afflictions of the righteous but the Lord delivers him from it all." Throughout all the things we have been through, God says, "I will never leave you, nor forsake you (Deut 31:6, 8; Josh 1:5)" and "though you fall headlong, the Lord holds your hand. (Ps 37:34)" Likewise as Apostle Paul says in Romans 8:28, "And we know God causes ALL things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose."

We are buffeted yes, but after it we come out as gold refined in the fires of adversity. And plus, the Christian walk is not only the mountains of God, but also "the valley of the shadow of death."

I leave you all with this song. Be encouraged, be strengthen.

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,

When sorrows like sea billows roll;

Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,

It is well, it is well, with my soul.

And They Call This News?

2010-05-21T18:16:00.000-07:00

"Dora the explorer is SO an illegal immigrant," "Spill Cam is new Web Craze," "Social Networks for 6-year olds..." "The reason why we were created: Matter vs. Anti-Matter."

Debt, death, recession, bankruptcy, facebook, youtube, and a gamut of other things to keep us busy, on the move... blind.

"Be still and know that I am God," He says

And the prophet says, "woe is me, I am a man of unclean lips living amongst a people of unclean lips."

Maranatha, Lord, come quickly.

Just Thoughts

2010-04-15T18:32:00.000-07:00

Random thoughts (and sayings to myself) of the day... nothing more nothing less. They run the gamunt of emotions like the waves of the sea.

"I'd take care of you. Wouldn't I."
"God, I hate this lonely feeling. Fill the void, Oh Lord, fill this void with nothing else but You."
"If a muslim can come to Christ, so can any other human."
"What is it about me? Am I just not easy on myself?"
"Why is Spock with Lt. Ohura?" (yeah, I just watched Star Trek today)
"I need to lose all this weight. Maybe then... maybe then..."
"She was a darling in the moonlight of my dreams last night... then I woke up."
"It's easy to hide behind the mask of keystrokes and emails... epic fail to the tenth degree."

Just One: The Call - Original Poem

2010-04-12T12:19:00.000-07:00

I know prayers that start like this:

Lord I’m but just one
Just an insignificant one
I’m too young—Ill equipped
I’m too old—enough said
I’m too shy
Too bold
Too brash
Too rash
Too pushy
Too much
Too little
I don’t have enough faith

Lord, I’m but just one
Just an insignificant one
Well, sometimes one is just what God needs to start a spark
Sometimes one is just what god needs to start an ember
To start a flame to start a wild fire of revival and revolution amongst His Body

Sometimes all God needs is just an able bodied, obedient, willing, excited one to spur His children to believe
To taste and see that the Lord really, and truly is good!

So this call goes forth to all the “ones”
For the harvest is bursting at the seams
And the workers are very few
So the “ones” God uses will proclaim His truth

But I’m too youth—so was Daniel, Josiah, and David
I’m too old—so was Methuselah
I’m too shy—so was Timothy
I’m too bold, too brash, too rash—good, so was Peter
I’m too pushy—who cares as long as its they Gospel truth coming out of your mouth and portrayed in your walk
I’m too much—don’t worry, God will make it just right
I’m too little—so was Bartimasus who climbed the tree to see His Savior and be set free. And as the song says, “little becomes much when you place it in the Master’s Hands.”
I don’t have enough faith—is it as small as a mustard seed? For you can move mountains with such a faith as that!

Make no room for excuses
Make no place for lies
Time to get up you “one”
Time to go forth and arise

Lord, I’m but just one…
“Yes, you are. But even you can be a significant ‘one’ for My glory, if you can but only… here am I… send me.”

Just One

2010-04-05T14:08:00.001-07:00

What Man Do You Know

2010-04-05T14:04:00.000-07:00

Let me ask you a question:
What man do you know who in the midst of His enemies, kept silent like a lamb

I know One

I call Him the incarnate “I Am”
The Lion of Judah
The Alpha and Omega
The Beginning and the End
The One…
Who was
And is
And is to come
The Author and Finisher of our faith
The Way
The Truth
The Life
The Light
The Son—not the Sun
The Wonderful
Counselor
Almighty God—not just Mighty—but All Mighty
Everylasting Father
Prince of Peace

But I also know Him by yet another name:

The Suffering Servant
Who endured… a disciple betraying Him
Endured His friends abandoning Him
Endured the mocking
Endured being slapped in the face
Endured His flesh being ripped from His back 40 times
Endured a crown of thorns pushed down upon His head
Endured carrying a 200 pound, splinter infested, piece of wood up a hill
Endured ten-inch spikes through His hands and feet
Endured “hanging out” for six excruciating hours suffocating
Endured having His Fathers presence leave Him in His dire hour of need
“Eli, Eli, lama sabactani!”

And endured
The weight of the world’s sin upon His shoulders like a giant blot of grotesqueness smeared upon a vision of a crystalline portrait of perfection

Yes, He endured all that… but

What man do you know who looked death straight in its smug, little eyes
And on a criminals cross proclaimed:
Tetelestai!
It is finished!
It is done!
Jesus Christ is risen and our Savior has won!

And Oh victory in Jesus! But what a victory, for it came with a great price
For the One who knew no sin
Became sin on our behalf
Became pride,
Became lust,
Became adultery,
Became anger,
Became addiction,
Became slander,
Became hate,
Became our most deepest, darkest, dirtiest, most disgusting sin

Why?

Because as He said Himself, “God so loved us.”

So now
What man do you know who can set all the captives free?
Who can promise new life in Him eternally?

I know One

He is called Jesus the Christ
The Messiah
The One who rose from the grave
The One whom we sing is Mighty to save
He… Is… Risen!
He… Is… Alive!
So let His people proclaim Him until He re-arrives!
Let His people go forth and preach His Good News
Let us share this message for we’ve got nothing to lose!

Oh wait… I take that back. We might lost our lives, but then again our lives are no longer our owns and to be absent in the body is to be present with the Lord so…

What man do you know who can do all this and say without a doubt
“it is finished” and “it is done.”

The answer:

No one…
Except Christ

Stretching Points

2010-04-05T13:48:00.000-07:00

Written in my journal 4/4/2010 @ 3:19 PM

Just had a heart to heart with Justine. It was an honest, good outpouring (mostly for her since she was in tears). It was about being truthful and discipline in money/life. She thought her sister was mad at her about certain finacial matters.

I love Justine, she's such a sensitive soul.

Well, I did not get mad at her (thank the Lord) but I was sturn with her (yet still loving her as a kuya should). I told her how God had been stretching me in my giving She told me of her worrying about finances and her becoming more disciplined in her walk with God.

I told her of the sin of omission and commission.

She knew God was telling her to grow up and be discipline cause shes, "no longer a pre-teen." The Lord is stretching her. Thank You Lord. The Lord is also speaking dreams to her about mom dying in her sleep. I comforted her saying, "it's not good bye... it's good night. And remember: Absent in the body is to be present with the Lord."

So for her first act of discipline, she is cleaning her room for an hour and a half.

Trust me, it needs it badly. I'm the only guy in a household of 4 and MY room is cleaner than theirs! SHEESH!

[EDIT]
Pictures of the before an after cleaning our rooms will be posted soon... maybe. And an hour and a half clean up turned into a whole day of clean up until 10 PM at night. Wow! Well, I guess it IS spring cleaning and all. Haha.

Praise Report and Giving

2010-04-03T15:41:00.000-07:00

taken from my personal journal written last night date and time is marked 4/3/2010 @ 1:18 AM

The Lord is good! People came to know Christ tonight at the Easter Cantata as Lord and Savior! Praise God! I'll need to tell Ate Marj thank you for the prayers. I also need to post this on blogger... maybe later [or now haha]

Today, as well as this whole week, God has been stretching my faith especially in giving. When I took a spiritual gifts test online, my faith was marked 60% and my giving, 40%. Coincidence that it equals 100%? I think not haha.

I remember a while back asking of the Lord (or actually telling Him) I'd like to be a reverse tither... as in 90% to the Lord and living on 10%. But that was only concerning my future book (which is on hold for now). God is stretching me. Becasue the same Scripture this whole week has been in my head:

"To whom much is given... much is required."

"But," the Lord ask, "how can you even think of giving much if you first can't give from what I've already given you?"

So I've found myself as of late just being generous, or better stil, cheerful (which is greek for hilarious).

(See Sermon by Pastor Matt 1/24/2010 Ref: 2 Cor 9:6-15)

The point of reference is God saving me. He GAVE His son... so why can't I give in return? I mean it's only money... moth and rust will destroy anyways, why not store treasures in heaven instead?

Another thing... I really want to go to Golden Gate Seminary (GGBTS), but to do so is to fully quit work (or at least full time) completely (or maybe for a season, I don't know).

Should I become a sub again?

As Charles Swindoll wrote in His daily devotion for 3/30/2010 called, "What Victory is Not":

"If you are to achieve your goals, you must be involved to the maximum extent."

I need to pray and sleep. Good night

God confirmed it this afternoon (about 3:30 pm). A sister is also giving for the glory of God. Check her out cause she's awesome. Actually her whole blog is just a bag full of blessings and then some. Totally God sent, she is.

Good Friday - Please Read and Pray!!!

2010-04-02T12:43:00.000-07:00

If you are reading this, I ask please that you would pray for tonights event at my church PCC (Philipino Community Church)

I've been here at the church since 10 AM cleaning and readying it up for tonight. But at the same time I had the sense to worship God in singing so as I was setting up tables and chairs in the fellowship hall. I began to worship and sing, "Your grace still amazes me", "Lord I give you my heart" and I ended with the wonderful hymn, "Just as I am."

As I sang I began to pray also, for soul to be saved tonight! For the Holy Spirit to move and have His will be done from the technicals, to the choir members (go bass group!), even to the ushers and greets and even the cooks in the kitchen. I left no detail! It's almost a burden like I wanted to just cry out (which at one point I did and thought I was too loud haha!) and throw up (which again I almost did... it usually happens when something is heavy in my heart... or when I'm nervous... I'm sure later tonight I'll "spill my guts" before the choir starts... it always happens)

Please interceed with us and for us my brothers and sisters! The the Lord will bless and move and that souls will come to Him in repentance and forgiveness. I haven't been this serious about something in a LONG time... and frankly... I LOVE IT! THANK YOU LORD!

Amen.

The Valley of Dry Bones

2010-03-30T22:26:00.000-07:00

Studying Ezekiel today in OT survey. We talked about the valley of dry bones found in chapter 37. This Vision of Ezekiel struck me deep. That God would ressurect a valley of dry bones as a representation of Israel, it's an awesome image!

How many times have I walked through this same valley seeing parts of my self there? "oh look, there's my foot... oh there's my head... oh there's my hand..." And it wasn't until I went into true repentance that the breath of God came and filled my senses makes me come alive and renewed! Talk about fresh breath!

The same word breath is the same word used in Genesis ofG od breathing life, or spirit, into Adam.

I'm just getting chills just thinking about it.

Oceans From the Rain

2010-03-22T18:18:00.000-07:00

The past week has been hard for me. Only reason being I took my eyes of Christ for but a moment. That's all Satan needs--a moment. Oh that I would drown inside His love

Cause You make oceans from the rain.

Seeing Through Their Eyes

2010-03-10T12:32:00.000-08:00

Here she wonders
Why the ice here is so thick
She looks around and all she sees is cliques
The too-cool-to-talk-so-imma-just-look-tough guys
The all-about-makeup-and-said-boys-so-lets-giggle girls
The men who judge books by their covers
And the women who gossip about one another

And so she prays, “Father… is this a church or a members only club?”

Here he thinks
Their glances are piercing
And all I wanna do is praise God, close my eyes, and just sing
They’re dressed to the nines
But my tattered rags have dirt strains
Their hair is well groomed, trimmed on the sides, and slicked back
My hair… is grizzled
My beard hides my face
I smell of back alleys and urine
I’m such a disgrace

And so he prays, “Lord… where’s the love here? Is this the right place?”

The young man speaks
Tears flow from his eyes to his cheeks
“Why am I being turned away?
Is it because of my piercing or what my tattoos claim to say?
Is it the needle marks on my forearms?
Or the slashes on my wrist?
Tell me what it is?
What is it I miss?”

Then he looks around, into the eyes of judgment
Is it because my knuckles say, “thug life?”
Is it because of the flaming skull tats on my right shoulder?
And the laughing devil on my left?
Is it because I’m six three, 285 lbs and look like I can break your neck as easily as a tooth pick?

To which he complains to God, “Frick… I thought these guys were suppose to show me some compassion?”

The lepers shout, “unclean, unclean!”
But Jesus comes close; which is both unheard of and unseen
And Jesus tells them, “Go and show yourselves to the priest.”
And as these living zombies went along
Their flesh becomes like new
Where once was white and scabby
Jesus healed, thief flesh grew

And although only one came back, he know the right thing to go
He gave God the glory and thanked Jesus too…

A man’s hand was shriveled, withered, but Christ said, “Stretch out your hand.”
And we think how could Jesus say something so insensitive to this man?
But Jesus knew God’s plan
Turning to the Pharisees
Jesus speaks:

Is it lawful to do good or to do harm on the Sabbath, to save a life or to destroy it?

He ask…

And at once the man’s hand is restored to Him, whole, at last…

A woman is thrown to Christ feet
This woman is a whore, caught in the act So tell us Jesus, what do we do?
The law says stone her… what say you?

Jesus stoops down and begins to write on the ground
While the men with stones stand silence, but each look around
Then from the oldest to youngest
They leave, one by one
Till the woman is left, alone with God’s Son.

So Christ speaks, “Where are they, woman? Did no one condemn you? Claim you a whore?”
“No one, Lord,” she replies
“Neither do I condemn you… go and sin no more.”

So here is the question I end with
The question for you and me:

If Jesus did not condemn them, shun them, judge them, hate them…
But loved them, cared for them, showed compassion and concern for them
Then… shouldn’t we?

So Says The Bee

2010-03-03T18:39:00.000-08:00

"Just a taste of the honey," I say to the bee
To which he response, "not for the life of me!"

"Please," I beg him, "reconsider."
To which he nonchalontly says, "don't be bitter..."

Be better, that the honey that's for you
Has not been made yet, but its taste is true
Though other bears have their hands full in the honey pot
Don't be the grizzy that gets their head hot

Honey takes time to be finished and done
So patience young pooh bear, waitings half the fun

To which I growl, "easier said than done."

It's Always Darkest Before The Dawn

2010-03-02T18:26:00.000-08:00

And the may the dawn come quickly
Strictly...
Speaking of old quotes and proverbs
I'm choosing now to add this adverb

"Very"

As in "this is very scary"
It's imaginary... the darkness and its dreams
And it seems that...
No dawn will arise

But before I blink my eyes
There it is
The most beautiful, spectacular, gorgeous rays of light my eyes did behold
Or so I'm told
Because now I'm blind...
And it's a sign that things are okay...
At least... for this day. So now... it's time to rest.

2010-03-01T17:51:00.000-08:00

It's just one of them post again. I want to shout out "Satan get thee away from me!" but I'm at work...

At least... that's my excuse.

I know this is one of satan's traps. Using my own voice, my own key strokes to tell me but one thing.

I'm useless.

But God (oh how I love those two words..)

Rich in His mercy, abundant in His grace tells me to, "lean not on my own understanding." Yes, it's true that that is such a common phrase in Christianese that it sounds played out... but then again... when has God's word ever been "played out" "for the word of God is living an active, sharper than any two-edged sword, and piercing as far as the division of soul and spirit, of both joint and marrow, and able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart."

I'm not useless... my God has much use of this "cracked earthen vessel..."

From Insight for Living Devotional 2/17/10

2010-02-17T17:43:00.000-08:00

Entitled "KNOCK, KNOCK" Ref: Luke 21

I remember the old saying that "statistics usually lie and liars use statistics," so I'll not press the point on any of Mr. Weiss's figures. Instead, I'll refer to another item from my friend: a Frank and Ernest cartoon where the two characters are standing before a priest and Frank asks, "How come opportunity knocks once, but temptation beats at my door every day?"

Frank is right: Temptation beats at our door every day. But when it comes to opportunity, who can say how rare it is? Less than 10%? Less than 5%? Probably so.

Looking back over your shoulder, you probably cannot name one opportunity that lingered, gathering dust. The age-old aphorism remains true: "Four things come not back: the spoken word; the speeding arrow; time past; the neglected opportunity."

Time is short. Opportunity is knocking. Please answer it. One hundred percent of those who do find themselves blessed.

Smile

2010-02-13T01:13:00.000-08:00

I wrote this poem while thinking about that game where you have to make the person smile or laugh but would have to keep a straight face. I was also thinking of a valentines poem and the proper way to court a woman. Fun stuff indeed. Enjoy the poem :D

Smile

I’m sorry darling
But I can’t seem to stop this stare or even this stutter, but I don’t care
I don’t know if it’s
Your eyes
Your lips
Your hair
What you wear
Or maybe there’s something in the air…
Or is it what some people call

Chemistry?
You know, it’s that certain attraction between you and me…

Or maybe its just gas…
I’m not too sure, I get those mixed up sometimes

But honestly…
If I was some other guy
Someone who only looked on the outside
Not realizing that there’s something better about you skin deep
Then I’d probably be a creep
And say something like this:

Excuse me, miss
But I was wondering if you’d delight me with a little kiss

But opps!
Let me stop right there
Cause it seems I’ve overstepped my boundaries
But confession is good for the soul
So I must be honest and say, you astound me

So

Why don’t we continue this conversation when we sit down
I’d like to hear your side of the story
Trust, you won’t bore me

Because how can I even think about being bored with someone as fascinating as you?

So I hope you don’t mind
If the conversation will have takes quite a while
By the way, you have a beautiful smile

What Will Last

2010-02-11T18:17:00.000-08:00

When the world fades

When grass withers
When the flower fades
When the tree shrivels
When the land is scorched and partched
When the babbling brooks cease to speak
When the tides and oceans no longer roar

It won't matter anymore
It won't matter if I'm young or old
It won't matter if I'm married, single or divorced
It won't matter if I'm rich or poor or in between

Because...

What will matter is the things unseen

The road that was walked of a loved ones soul (Matt 17:13-14)
Or if we pressed on towards the heavenly goal (Phil 4:13)
If we strived to keep our conscience clear before God and man (acts 26:16)
If we, in our perserverance of the race, merely walked or ran (Heb 12:1)
If we slaved ourselves as to win many to Christ (1 Cor 9:19)
If we did our earthly jobs for only God's eyes (Eph 6:7)
If we daily sought His good, pleasing and perfect will (Rom 12:2)
Or if we heeded Him when he said, "be still" (Psalm 46)

For as it is said, "Only one life, 'twill soon be past, only what's done for Christ will last." (C.T. Studd)

Gleanings from the OT Part 1

2010-02-10T17:03:00.000-08:00

So since I'm in a OT Survey class, I've been reading the OT. haha.

I'm finally on the book of Numbers, just started it today actually. I'm excited to just get home and keep reading. At first, I'll be honest, it was hard and difficult and some parts were just plain dull! haha. But as I read (with help from a commentary by J Mac haha), I found myself saying things like, "no way!" "wow... they did what?" or "Whoa, I can't believe I just read that!"

There was a couple of things that I took note of:

1) How many times the people of Israel "complained"

To experience such a miraculous deliverance from Egypt,I would worship God. I mean, to see the seas part, or locust devour the farmland, or see lighting and thunder from mount Sanai not realizing that it's the voice of God, or seeing Moses face shine so brightly...it just strikes me as funny that only a few chapters after said events, they start complaining of food, and water and of going to Egpyt. When God's promise land is just RIGHT THERE! I MEAN, I was literally saying COMMON!!! haha

But then I think about my own life. Oh boy... I complain a WHOLE LOT. I've been complaining about money matters, about work, about my poetry writing, about being single, and the list goes on. And yet God still decides to hear me out? I'm ashamed at my selfishness. Ashamed at my pride, thinking I can handle things on my own. Who am I that God would be mindful of me? There are miracles every day of my life that I don't even think about... I mean just being able to BREATH... to blink... to taste... to smell. Goodness. God in his good pleasure could choose to end my life today. But he hasn't, which I take it as he still has some use of me. So may I be as "broken bread and poured out wine" to my Lord and King. May I be a fragrant aroma to him and not a strange one (Exo 30:8-9)

Will continue after work... ;)

2010-02-09T22:17:00.000-08:00

For some reason, these verses are comforting to me right now. I hope they would bring comfort to others as well...

2 Cor 12:7-11

7To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Heighten Ground

2010-02-06T23:43:00.000-08:00

Tonight I pray this song...

Amen...

The Beginnings

2010-02-06T01:15:00.001-08:00

I started reading Genesis... I'm trying to ready myself for the coming OT survey class I signed up for. Intersive is the word. 3 months and only meets one day a week for three hours. That's roughly under 40 hours of class. How do you fit the whole of OT in three hours? haha. Can't wait to find out. I'm already enjoying myself :)

Daunting [EXTREMELY]

2010-02-01T23:46:00.000-08:00

Next week I start bible school. Old Testament Survey. It's an intensive course starting from Febuary to April. Meets only once a week though for three hours.

This Sunday will be the first day of choir practice. I don't know the music. Haven't even touched it in a week. Even worse, I missed my last important practice on sunday regarding how to lead the choir....

I'll be starting my second job soon. Custodial work. Morning shift.

To anybody reading this, please pray for me! I'm quite overwhelmed at the thought of all of this.

Have I shot myself in the foot? Lord calm my heart please... I'm so nervous...

[EDIT]

When you haven't eaten because you're a nervous wreck, things just don't make sense for me. My mom called to tell me she lost her rent check, for someone who doesn't have that money, it's very irritating.

I'm overwhemled... I'd weep but there are people here fixing the broken toilet.

William Cowper, Oh how I do not know thee...

2010-01-31T02:16:00.000-08:00

You cannot persuade a person that he is not reprobate if he is utterly persuaded that he is. All you can do is keep soaking him in the "benevolence, mercy, goodness, and sympathy" of Jesus and "the sufficiency of the atonement" and "the fullness and completeness of Christ's justification." He will say that they are wonderful in themselves but that they do not belong to him. But in God' time these truths may yet be given the power to awaken hope and beget a spirit of adoption.

Quoted from John Piper's lecture on Insanity and Spiritual Songs in the Soul of a Saint

Jesus

2010-01-29T08:50:00.000-08:00

I was reading someones blog, then I read my last post. And it dawned on me: I have a very SKEWED VIEW of who Jesus is. And in a Christian, shouldn't that be like foundational stuff? I still have a lot to learn yet, may I have a child like faith, and open ears and eyes to accept that which is true.

I wonder, will going to bible school really help me or just make my view of Christ worse? I.E. being "indoctrinated" vs "being spirit led." I don't know... yet.

Oh btw, after reading Revelations 19 a few nights ago, I saw a Jesus I never expected... THAT's Jesus I wanna worship! Care to have a look?

Then I saw Heaven open wide—and oh! a white horse and its Rider. The Rider, named Faithful and True, judges and makes war in pure righteousness. His eyes are a blaze of fire, on his head many crowns. He has a Name inscribed that's known only to himself. He is dressed in a robe soaked with blood, and he is addressed as "Word of God." The armies of Heaven, mounted on white horses and dressed in dazzling white linen, follow him. A sharp sword comes out of his mouth so he can subdue the nations, then rule them with a rod of iron. He treads the winepress of the raging wrath of God, the Sovereign-Strong. On his robe and thigh is written, King of kings, Lord of lords.

(MSG Rev 19:11-16)

"In The Darkness, The Light Shines The Brightest"

2010-01-26T22:11:00.000-08:00

Some time last year, I was diagnosed with depression. Click here to see that post.

I wrote this in my person journal:

I don't really know what to make of it. Is it my thorn in the flesh? (amongst many other thorns) or is it satan buffeting me?

Either way, I know this for sure: God can produce beauty out of the broken.

It reminds me of the verse that reads, "And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose."

So maybe it is purposed that I would have an understanding of that which is called depression, so as to minister to those in it and give hope and glory to God because of it.

This is a poem I wrote a few days ago. I went through a hard time and lost the friendship/fellowship of two people. The sting is still there but it isn't as bad anymore, still... I miss talking to them both... But God has his ways. Enjoy the poem (WARNING: THE POEM IS EXTREMELY GRAPHIC... BE ADVISE)

~~~~~~~~~

On a cold, quiet night in January
Drops fall, but not rain

Tears

Heart ache, bitterness, envy, strife
all clamor together
In one lump of a mental mass

Called depression

Emotions run as blatantly as
The scenarios in the mind:
Useless,
Pathetic
Garbage
Weak

What would people think?
What would people say?
What would people do?

Or worse...

What DO people think?
What DO people say?
What DO people do?
If or when they find out...

That the darkness in the heart...

Is true...

"Get away from him..."
"Don't talk to her..."
"And He calls himself a man?"
"And she thinks she's modest?"
"Him, pure in heart?"
"Her, sweet? Ha!"
"Loyal? Yeah, right!"
Loving" Oh, HELL no!"
"Get out of my sight!"
"I hate you!"
"You good for nothing jerk!"
"You disgust me!"
"You slut!"
"You has been!"
"You idiot!"
"You moron!"
"You... you... you...!"

You... CHRISTIAN!"
Or...
Let me rephrase that...
"You're... a Christian?"

The mind and the body go numb and limp
Only the heavy gasp of one running from inner demons can be heard...

Then...
In the darkness...
On that cold, quiet night in January
One thuoght more emerges from the deep recesses of the mind...

Death.

And with it...
Even darker thoughts...
"Go ahead and tie the noose... might it tight."
"Go ahead and pull the trigger... put it to your head."
"Go ahead and take the knife... bring it across one ear to the other."
"Go ahead and end your sickness..."
"Go ahead..."
And...
End...
Your...
Life!

Silence... Silence... and darkness
And in the fetal position, One can barely move a muscle

But on that cold, quiet night in January... a faint sound is heard

At first, a low grumble from the belly
And then a gurgling from the throat
That forms upon the tongue
And pass the through the teeth and lips
In one solitary word:

"Help."

Then more words...
"Help me..."
And more words...
"Help me Lord..."
"Help me Lord... battle this tempest
This beast...
Help me Lord from its grip
Be released...

These thought are not from you God
They are all but hellish cries
They are from Him who hates you, hates you...
The father of lies

You have taught me the truth, Lord
And by it I'm set free
From all guilt and condemnation
That were sorely chained to me...

"I am loved by You"
"I am saved eternally!"
"I am useful in Your Kingdom!"
"For Your Son has set me free!"

I am free... I am free... free...

On a cold, quiet night in January
The silence is broken by the sounds of peaceful... unmitigated... rest...

For the night has finally departed

And the day has finally dawned...

To Phrase it Correctly

"If you can do anything else..."

Open Doors

"When I was a child..."

Refined (Original Poem)

Prayer of 2011

So, Do You? (Original Poem)

Divorce Is Not an Option (original poem)

To The Gamer Girl at Gamestop (original poem)

Letter to My Sixteen Year Old Self (Original Poem)

Open Letter to Mr. Pharisee (original Poem)

Hi my Name is (original poem)

Without Forgiveness

Terms to remember

In Between the Lines

Oraia Speaks - Dead Breathe

Reflections on Psalm 1 by John Piper, and the Importance of Finishing Well - Blog - Eternal Perspective Ministries

Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus, The song and the story

Please Hear What I'm Not Saying

How to say marry me, geek style!

JesusWalk Calling

Swag (Original Poem)

The Princess (Original Poem)

Poetry Like Love (Original Poem)

If this is heavenly...

Love is in the Soul

How to be dead (Reblogged)

For The First Time...

Me, Lord? Single?

A Worthy Romantic

To Covet mean to be jealous

From the Inside Out (Original Poem)

Like A Sudden Flame (Reblogged from Where the Sand Meets the Seas)

Proverbs 17:28

Something Unknown that only God knows - Original Prayer/Poem

Shared Space - Original Poem

A night born of selfishness

I Will Rise (Psalm 37:24, Isaiah 40:31) - Original Poem w/ Commentary

Chinese and Dead Batteries

BEATIFIC CLOTHING!

Beautiful Sickness

6,279 Miles (Original Poem)

Back to Normalcy.. At The Brink of Darkness, Light

Christianity and Depression...

Eph 6:19

And so while I still got breath in my lungs I will look life square in the face and say: Bring it.

Engagement Party

Why Do Roses Have Thorns?

A Friend Wrote These Words

Dear darlin',

Quotable Quotes

Almost Useeless

Even In the Rain - Unfinished Original Song

Relationships Can Be Idols Too - Original Poem

The Theology of Divine Appointments - Part 1 (Original Poem)

Infancy of the Mind

Commonalities between a Cat and Dog

Love Your Enemies, Bless Those Who Curse You

I think I'm ready

Late Night Conversations with Dad

10 Things to do while single

My Type of Woman - Orginal Poem

The Joy of Your Salvation

4th of July - A LONG DAY = A LONG POST

Gon' Fishing

Tawagan o Tinulak

"Some People..."

Selah - It Is Well With My Soul

The Broken Hearted

And They Call This News?

Just Thoughts

Just One: The Call - Original Poem

Just One

What Man Do You Know

Stretching Points

Praise Report and Giving

Good Friday - Please Read and Pray!!!

Sponsors

The Valley of Dry Bones

Oceans From the Rain